It's OK to fail...

Kids, I'm really good at giving good advice. Friends listen to me, or they ignore me and later tell me they should have listened to me. But I do a pretty lousy job of listening to my own advice.

I recently was trying to convince a friend who has been looking for a job that it's OK to interview for a job that you might get offered, even if it's almost a certainty that you wouldn't take the job if you did get the offer. My rationale being that it's not at all expected that you'll take it, or that the job is a perfect fit, but that shouldn't stop you from finding out more about the job in the process.

Of course, being the philosophical muser that I am, I immediately apply this same line of reasoning to dating, and think it's complete and utter bullshit. Admittedly, the two situations are far from identical, and in the dating world you have a lot more personal feelings to be concerned about. But on the other hand, isn't that what dating is all about?

If you knew the person you were dating was the perfect person, there wouldn't be a point in dating... you could just skip right ahead to the rest of your life and happily ever after, knowing confidently that it would work out forever. Reality of course states that it's never that simple.

I think part of my problem is that I'm scarred from past relationships, and the overwhelmingly common situation of me having to be the heartbreaker rather than the heartbroken. It's so much easier to give up early on, before things get too serious, than later on when stronger feelings are at stake. But as a result, I almost have this innate fear of being put in that situation, so I shy away from relationships that could potentially work out really well.

I still wouldn't date someone knowing it wasn't going to work out... but I need to get over giving up just because I'm unsure... because who isn't?

This is the fun part...

Kids, they say the fun part of dating is that feeling you get when you meet someone new for the first time... the excitement of waiting for the next time you see her... and that constant nagging in the pit of your stomach. Is she really the right person for me? How does she feel about me? Could this possibly work out?

So I met her again today... outside of her day job she's an actress who does community theater, and we went to a play that some of her friends were performing in. It actually was really good, I would have enjoyed it whether she was there or not... but I enjoyed it more with her there, of course. Afterwards we went out to dinner and had a good time chatting about this, that and everything else under the sun.

I think the true test of how you feel about someone requires you to get over that initial excitement and see how your feelings are after that. It's so easy to be like "oh yeah, she's the one!" when you first meet, then you come down off your high and reality sets in and you go "what was I thinking? She's OK, but not all that." Fortunately, I didn't reach that dramatic low. I've definitely lost a little of that high I had after the first date, but that's to be expected, I think. She's still pretty impressive to me. I think things are going well at this point, but it's hard to tell just after two dates.

Of course, history being a good indicator for me, if I reach the third date with someone, there's definitely some quality there. I have almost always given up if I don't find any chemistry at all by the 2nd date, it's just not worth it.

No plans for a third date yet, but we preliminarily had discussed Thursday night. I think she's still interested, but haven't discussed again after today. I can't say I wouldn't be disappointed if I didn't see her again, nor that I can decrypt what I just said considering how many negatives were in it. Still hoping something good can come of this. If nothing else, I can say it's at least the most exciting my life's been in several months, and that's worth something.

This is the fun part? It really is, but the funny thing is you never really realize it until after it's over.

Fear of the unknown...

Kids, it's funny how much you want something to happen, then when it actually does happen you aren't quite sure what to do. I recently met somebody. Not sure if she's "the" somebody, but she's certainly "a" somebody.

Now, normally I don't write much here about the dates I go on, simply because they are either so unmemorable they aren't worth mentioning, or they just don't lead anywhere so they still aren't worth mentioning. But the other night I met someone for dinner, and she was charming. I met her online, and had gotten to know her a bit in the few days leading up to it, but then meeting her in person she was, dare I say, exactly like the person I thought she was.

Let me digress a bit to explain... I've had bad luck with meeting people online. In the vast majority of the cases, people don't turn out to be the same person in real life that they represented themselves to be online. I don't think a great many people intentionally mis-represent themselves, but I think a lot has to do with the fact that so few people are mature and know who they really are, rather than the person they think they are or want to be.

I've found that I'm most attracted to someone who is very comfortable with herself. I don't care if you're a supermodel, a genius, or a girl from the other side of the tracks... be who you are.

So back to the date... I wasn't certain at the time if the chemistry was really there. You never really know when you meet someone you originally met online for the first time. But for some reason this time was markedly different from all the other times. We really seemed to hit it off, and oddly enough, I didn't expect it. I thought it would be a nice evening, then we'd go our separate ways and figure it wasn't meant to be. And now ever since I haven't been able to get her out of my mind. I haven't felt quite this same way about someone in a very long time.

Yet I still doubt if it's right. We'll meet up again hopefully this weekend, and see how spending more time together goes. She's nice, cute, cares about other people, a UW grad (hey, never hurts), and is just fun to talk to and get to know. I can work with that.

More to come... maybe... :)

It's not easy being green...

Kids, sometimes I feel like Kermit the Frog at the beginning of The Muppet Movie, sitting on a log, strumming my banjo, alone in the swamp wondering where life will take me next. As a side note, it's hard to believe that The Muppet Movie came out the year I was born... perhaps that's why I have such a strong connection with it.

As another year goes by, I feel stuck in a rut. I can't really think of much in the past year that was dramatically new or different than the year before. Though despite that all, I'm happy. I live a good life, have all that I need, but that's part of the problem. Nothing's motivating me to change things up.

I'm meeting some people, but obviously not finding the right people, or not looking in the right places. Unfortunately, it's not easy to figure out where the whole train is getting derailed. If I weren't so happy here, I've had fleeting thoughts of just picking up and moving and starting a new life somewhere else. Not that I would actually do it, but sometimes it's fun to think about doing something dramatic to make my life new and different again.

But in the meantime, a measured response would be simply make a stronger effort to mix things up and find something new. One of these days I'll get around to that. :)

The Price of Being the Nice Guy

Kids, being a nice guy is hard. It's easy to be a jerk. All you have to do is not care about the people you don't like, and cast them aside just like recycling a plastic milk bottle. But when it comes to being the nice guy, it's not so easy.

As wrong as it sounds, the generally accepted let down in the dating world these days is to do nothing. No call, no e-mail, just be done with it all. I have to admit, I've taken this route before several times, but it feels wrong. I feel as if I should at least say something to them.

The hardest part of dating is when one person is interested and the other isn't. Being the nice guy means breaking a lot of hearts... sometimes it's mutual incompatibility and honestly that's the best case scenario. But then the other times you have to be the one to say "hey, you're a great girl, but it just isn't going to work out."

It's so cliche, yet I've found it to be so true too, to say "it's not you, it's me." Because it really is. It's me! What the hell's wrong with me?! I swear I'm just not able to make anything work. Not because I can't, but because I won't make it work. I don't believe in it.

When is the perfect girl going to walk into my life? Maybe it's when I stop looking. Maybe...

The Shoebox

Kids, everyone has a shoebox. It is the shoebox that contains the memories -- pictures, notes, trinkets -- of past relationships. As much as you try to hide it from yourself, every so often you stumble onto it again and have to ask yourself the same question yet again, "what do I do with this stuff?" Well, today while I was cleaning a room, I found the shoebox.

I can hear you asking now, "why do people keep a shoebox in the first place?" I could chalk it up to human nature, but that's not much of an answer. Some people may keep the shoebox in hopes that someday the relationship will come back together, as a way of holding on to what once was. Others may keep them as memories of a positive time in their life they might want to remember. Still others may just be packrats or not really know what else to do with it. As for myself, I don't really know why I keep it, but I also just don't know what else to do with it.

Sure, the easy solution is just to throw it all away, never to be heard of again. But somehow I can't bring myself to do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm well over the past, but similarly I don't harbor any ill feelings towards it either. It almost seems wrong to throw it all away and pretend like it didn't happen, because it was such an important part of my life and has shaped who I am today, for better or worse.

What I've heard is a common approach to the old pictures is simply to cut out the "other half" of the memories. Does that really solve much? For me it's not the picture itself, but the memory that the picture triggers. You can't cut a memory apart, it's all or none. Yet still, I also am in no way interested in looking through the shoebox either. My first reaction when finding it was "oh, that's what's in there..." and promptly I closed the box back up. I don't think I'd have any problem doing so, but it's almost as if I don't have any desire to remember it all.

So what do I do with the shoebox? Nothing. I put it back on the shelf until the next time I stumble into it. At some point, I'll probably go through it and throw most of it away. But not today.

The One(s) Who Got Away

Kids, they say it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. That's probably true, but it's an incredibly bogus way of looking at it. I've met a lot of people, dated some of them, and obviously none of those have worked out. But that doesn't mean they haven't been worth my time.

In fact, I'm probably one of the few people in the world who really don't have anything bad to say about any of my past relationships. Sure, they've had their down moments, but what relationship hasn't? Certainly they all haven't ended on my own account, but that doesn't change the fact that they just haven't worked out. And that's OK. Though, my hope is that they don't think I'm the scum of the Earth at least.

But whether they work out well or not, the highest praise I can give to any of them is not what I learned from the experience, but that they gave me renewed hope that good people still exist, and that my perfect somebody is still out there somewhere.

Now I just have to find her...

What's the Hurry?

Kids, birthdays have never really meant much to me. When I ask why I should care about my birthday, most people tell me "because it's a day to celebrate that you're a year older!" My response is typically "everyday I celebrate that I'm a day older than I was was yesterday, so what's the big deal?" I didn't care about birthdays at all... and then I turned 30.

I definitely wasn't prepared for the shock of turning 30. My birthday itself was actually one of the most memorable ones I've ever had, due mostly to the fact that my friends made a big deal of it and completely bamboozled me by throwing me a surprise party that I had absolutely no clue about. Normally I hate surprises... but this one was actually one that I really needed and appreciated (as long as they never pull a stunt like that again :)).

Turning 30 is one of those milestones... a checkpoint in your lifetime where you can't help but evaluate where you are in your life compared to where you thought you would be. I always figured by the time I turned 30, I'd be well on my way towards living the dream -- owning a house, having a job, getting married, starting a family. I guess what hit me so hard is that I looked at my life, and realized that I'm no closer to finding that woman to spend the rest of my life with than I was when I was 25, and it really scared me.

I try not to spend too much of my time thinking about the future. I try to roll with the punches, and let things happen as they do. Unfortunately, there are some things that don't change much unless you actively make it happen.

But it's not as if my life is ending soon, or I really have an expiration date stamped on my heart. Truth be told, I have a great life. I'm financially stable, have a good job I love, have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for, and live my life in a positive and happy way. Just because I'm getting older, doesn't mean I need to be in a huge hurry to sort everything out.

But I do need to be aware of things. The only reasonably certainty is that if I don't do anything, nothing will happen. But patience is a virtue I do possess... though it's not always so easy. It's not the destination, it's the journey as well. What's the hurry? Enjoy the ride...

Meeting New People in the Real World

Kids, I don't want to make it sound like online dating is my only avenue of pursuit right now. It's just what's at the top of my mind and I decided I was going to give it a good faith effort to see how much I could make of it. But I wanted to take a look at some of the other ways I've met new people, in hopes of finding that special somebody.

Groups

I'm involved with many groups, from recreational sports to other hobbies. These are good options a lot of the time. They say the best relationships start out as friendships, and I've found that to be absolutely the truth. I can't say I make close friends easily, but I make acquaintances easily and there are many people I call friends, though most I wouldn't call up at the drop of a hat to see what's up. My closest groups of friends and I are definitely a very tight-knit group who have been friends for many years, but those always have to start somewhere.

I've been involved in one of my activities for 5 years now, ironically getting involved with it not long after my last very serious relationship ended and I was looking for something new to get involved in and a place to spend my time. And I've made many good friends through that group. But as is all too often the case, this activity encompasses a wide age range, and one that not many eligible single girls get involved in on their own. (Though there are a lot of girls in my age range who participate, they tend to get involved along with their significant other / husband, which doesn't help me much. :)) But there are always new people getting involved, and keeping a keen eye open for someone new to meet is always a possibility.

Church

I'm the church-going type, though the non-judgmental type who doesn't limit his friends to other church-going folks, and as it has turned out I don't build my closest friends through church much. It's no surprise that many people meet their future somebody at church, I suspect partially attributable to the fact that people who go to the same church often share a similar belief and value basis. Unfortunately, I go to a small church, and doubly unfortunate that there are very few people who go to my church in my own age range. So while the possibilities are endless, they are pretty much non-existent there.

Religion in dating is something that could fill its own blog series (and it very well might at some point), but suffice it to say religious views are not ultimately high on my priority list when choosing somebody to date. My personal beliefs are that good people are good people regardless of what they believe, and I have no problem with what people believe. I have good friends who are atheists, though as long as they respect my beliefs, I can respect their right to have theirs. Though I have to admit, the bar is slightly higher for someone I'd date versus someone I'm friends with. I think I would have trouble dating someone who absolutely thought that what I believe is wrong, or that I'm somehow misguided for believing it. Similarly though, I have in fact had issues dating someone whose religious views are so ultra-conservative or contrary to my own, that it just wasn't going to feasibly work. I guess I've learned to take things on a case-by-case basis and not abandon hopes too soon.

Blind Dates

For the most part, online dating is nothing more than one blind date after another. It's not like you know the person you're going to meet. Though I want to talk about actual blind dates, where you are set-up by someone (usually a friend or relative) because they somehow think you two would be perfect together. It's the real-world equivalent of eHarmony where your date has been pre-screened by your friends.

Truth be told, blind dates have been probably some of the more successful ones I've had. One prominent blind date that comes to mind was with the best friend of the wife of one of the guys I was on aforementioned team activity with. There was a cleverly arranged group meeting first, where I met Amy for the first time. She was nice and definitely worth getting to know a bit better, and I gave an extra element of trust given that my friend who knew us both thought we'd be good together. I later gave her a call and we went out a few times. Oddly, there wasn't any one thing I could pinpoint as being wrong. There was a compounding of little things that made me abandon it though. First, and probably most inane of all, was the fact that she had the same name as one of my sisters. It's absurd, I know, but if you've ever dated someone with the same name as one of your siblings, it's just weird, okay? But that wasn't a deal breaker. I think what really threw me off that time was the age difference. I was 29 at the time and she was 36. Again, this wasn't a huge deal. I usually don't put much thought into age differences, but rather prefer to look at what stage in your life you're at, and in this case we were in very similar places. But still, the age difference was more apparent at times, and I can't say it wasn't a factor. At the time, I think I made up some excuse to myself about why it wasn't going to work and left it at that. The mind and heart have a great ability to rationalize that which you want to believe.

I don't regret any potential relationship I have given up on. Though I try not to regret anything I do in life, because good or bad they have all shaped who I am today. But I have to wonder at times whether I gave up too soon on some like that one.

I can't deny though that blind dates are probably some of the more successful ways of meeting new people, if they're arranged by people who actually know both people. I trust my friends very much not to lead me astray... they probably know better than most people what's best for me. Perhaps I should pursue them for suggestions more often.

Work

I know many people have met their future somebody at work, though I have always been very reluctant to pursue that route. I would make an exception if the case warranted, but I've always believed in the saying "never fish from the company pier." Especially in our society these days, you have to be very careful when dating in the workplace, and even more so in how you approach it. For better or worse, I've rarely been in a situation where there has been a lot of options within my workplace anyway, but I just tend to stay away from it.

So kids, that's where it's at. I'm not really starting from the beginning, and there are plenty more stories to tell for each of these. But I always like to remind myself that there are plenty of pools to fish in, each with a different school of fishies... who knows where my somebody is lurking.

Online Dating Profile Deal-breakers

Kids, you really only have one chance to make a first impression. In the world of online dating, that first impression is your profile page. Everything from the pictures you include, to what you choose to write, to most importantly how you choose to write it can make a significant impact on how you are perceived.

One of the most annoying things I read is what I call the inappropriate use of etcetera. This is using "etc." to end a list of things that have absolutely nothing in common. For example, one profile I read today had:

"I like reading, history, theatre, movies, kids, etc."

WHAT THE HELL DOES "ETC." MEAN IN THIS CASE? I could conceivably add "rattlesnakes, skydiving, polka music, etc." and it would fit just as well. How am I supposed to know what else you like unless you tell me? I never knew a thing about you until I started reading your profile.

Second most annoying thing has to do with profile pictures. WHAT is the deal with taking a picture of yourself in a mirror? Do people have no other pictures of them? Could they not find a friend to take a picture of them? I don't know why this one bothers me so much, but it seems like you're just a slacker.

That said, apparently one of the big annoyances for women searching men's profiles (because a rather large number of women's profiles say it's annoying) is men have a habit of posting shirtless self-pictures in their profiles. I will certainly say that I have never done so, but was wondering what exactly most guys are thinking by doing so? Perhaps they are so out of touch with what women like, that they believe that women want exactly what men want (and what man wouldn't want to see a shirtless picture in a girl's profile?).

There are plenty more deal-breakers for me, but I think I'm just abnormally picky. No, I KNOW I'm abnormally picky. But that's my own problem.

The Online Dating Myth

Kids, I'm going to let you in on a big secret that the online dating world doesn't want you to know. Online dating websites exist for one reason, and one reason alone... and sadly that reason is not to help you find a valuable and rewarding relationship. It is to make money, plain and simple.

As much as Match.com, E-Harmony, Chemistry.com, and countless other smaller sites want to claim they'll help you find "that special someone," all they really want to do is bait you in and take your money. Now that may sound harsh, but trust me, as far as they're concerned they have the market covered. If you find a successful relationship, they make money. If you don't find that perfect someone, they make more money.

If you've never dealt with one of these websites, they each go about things a bit differently, but the modus operandi is the same:

1) Force you to create a "profile" before you can search any of the other profiles.

2) Provide limited functionality, withholding much key information including the ability to actually communicate with the people you find, unless you actually pony up the dough and subscribe to their service.

3) ...and this is the key to the entire business model... allow users to receive notifications of communication without subscribing, but provide them so little information that they have no way of finding out who contacted them, what they sent, or anything else about them unless they also subscribe.

3b) Provide no way of knowing if the person you are attempting to communicate with is actually a subscriber, or has any way of actually reading anything you send to them, unless they pay to see it. So essentially, you have no idea if the other person read your profile/message and just wasn't interested, or if they just aren't a subscriber and never received your message in the first place.

The "big 3" (Match, E-Harmony, and Chemistry) vary somewhat in how they try to do things, and vary greatly in price.

Match is cheapest, and the first of the "picture and a profile" style of online dating. You browse through the website for people who look interesting, and send them an e-mail hoping they respond.

E-Harmony pioneered the "intelligent matching based on a bajillion degrees of compatibility" or whatever. As close as I can tell, this really provides no more successful matching than browsing through a bunch of profiles. Oh, did I mention they charge about 3x as much as Match does for this "significant advantage"? They seem to attempt to cater to people who can afford the higher price, but I think the result is just that the odds of someone you try to contact actually being a subscriber are a lot less.

Chemistry (owned by Match) is just an attempt to copy the E-Harmony model. Same silly idea.

Truth be told, nothing beats RealWorld.Life for meeting people. But I've still not completely given up on the online dating options. It's just not as easy as one might think, but I'll be the first to admit there probably is some value there if you look hard enough.

Online Dating Is Hopeless

Kids, online dating isn't all its cracked up to be. It seems like the perfect solution to the problem you never knew you had. College was a great place to meet people. There was a seemingly infinite number of new people you could get to know, and plenty of those found the love of their life. I didn't. (Well, I thought I did at the time, but that's another story for another day, kids.)

Then you enter the real world. I work in an office with the same people every day. I keep myself very busy outside of work, but ultimately don't find myself in too many positions where I meet a lot of new and different people (at least new and different single people). So on the advice of some close friends, I've tried out the online dating world. Two of my closest friends met on match.com, so I want to believe that it really does work!

So I've tried it in good faith. I have plenty of separate stories about the various aspects of online dating and what's wrong with it, but it's not all bad. There are three types of people who use online dating:

1) "Looking for Someone" Honest-to-goodness normal people, who are looking with an open mind for a relationship. Willing to meet new people and knows that some won't be perfect, and that's OK.

2) "Looking for Mr./Mrs. Right" These are the ones who are looking for that one perfect person, and have this perfect vision of who that person is. Odds are 1 in a million that you'll find them online... go buy a lottery ticket. Profile keywords: "Must be (insert superficial feature here)."

3) "Hey, look at me!" These are the people who use online dating because they need an endless supply of dates to satisfy their own self worth. Profile keywords: "I just got out of a long-term relationship...", "I'm hot, you should be too." Profile reads like a children's book (more pictures than words).

I want nothing to do with #3 type. As far as I'm concerned, there are probably plenty of Type-3 guys out there for the Type-3 ladies to find. One of my biggest problems I think is that I really started out as somewhere between Type-1 and Type-2. I wanted perfection... perfection that doesn't exist (in the real world or the online world). I'm not going to lie, I still do want perfection. But I've come to the realization that perfection isn't necessarily what I think it is. The problem is, I still haven't figured out what it actually is.

How I Met Somebody

I am Ted Mosby. OK, well, maybe not... but I feel like my life is living out the TV show How I Met Your Mother. I guess I don't really have a Barney Stinson in my life, but that's irrelevant. I'm awesome enough for the both of us. :)

I started this blog to document some of the trials and tribulations, successes and failures, of dating in the world today. I'm 30 years old now, still single after all these years, but not unhappy, just worried that my life is passing me by and I want to find someone to share it all with before I get too old. Let the blogging begin...